Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
