last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize