ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize