the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
