I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
