You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
