I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
