I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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