Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
