I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize