By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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