i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
