I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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