I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
