Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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