Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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