You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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