My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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