Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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