I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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