both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
