Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
