i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
