i think my tv is drunk
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
