omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
