i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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