Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
