Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
