i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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