so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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