I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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