Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
