I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
