So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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