Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
