My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
