I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
