i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize