Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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