Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
