turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
