we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
