the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
