i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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