that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
