I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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