Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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