my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
