Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
