My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
