you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize