I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
