It's like God shit irony all over that family
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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