What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
