my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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