I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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