I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize