I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
