in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
