I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
