@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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